Getting It Out Of My System...

You know how this thing starts by now...watch the video...

I'm an artist...

And no, I'm not really that sensitive about my ish...

I have notebooks full of poetry, I've started on a semi-fictional book 8 different times now, and I've got 4 GBs of freestyles over various hip-hop instrumentals that will NEVER see the light of day probably...

I use various art forms (the most newest one being photography) to express my feelings. I have the hardest time EVER expressing myself to people I care about. I have no problem with the words, "I Love You" but I have the hardest time expressing what I'm feeling towards people that I genuinely care for...

Well, except my daughter...That's because she doesn't judge me like some of you bastards...but I digress...

I guess I said all that to say, as much as I lock things away, ignore things, push through things, and bounce back easily from things...I haven't really fully processed it or gotten over it until I examine it in some form of artistry...

Well, I did that recently with my last "real" relationship...

More after the break...













MAN, that song pretty much sums up the long and the short of it...LOL!

My last relationship sucked...

It wasn't either one of our faults, its just how it was.

If it wasn't one problem, it was another.

We had EVERY reason in the world to NOT be together, but we were anyway. We had taken an "Us Against The World" stance and being the fighters that we are, we refused to back down from it.

Life comes at you fast though...

We couldn't get on the same page. We were both highly motivated, intelligent individuals with all the motivation in the world to beat the odds we were up against, but I guess we were too different to beat them together...

We both made mistakes, I would go through and enumerate them all...but what would the point be.

She lied, I lied.

The bottom line is, we both sucked at being with each other.

We're not bad people, we're just not good together.

She'll probably go on to be same great International Law Attorney making millions of dollars.

I'll be happy for her. Smile a moment about the good times we had and then go on about my merry way as she fades into memory.

Sometimes memories are the best places to keep people...

More after the break...













So, why did I choose to talk about this?

Well, because its my damn blog and I'll talk about whatever I damn well please for one. LOL! Just kidding....

It really began with a memory I had...

There's a young woman who I've mentioned in this blog that is the five foot nothing 72 pound heavyweight champion of the world...

Seriously she's THAT tough...she said something to me one day that made me think...

In a rare moment of sensitivity and caring, she told me, "I feel like I'm always going to be paying for what she did to you..."

The moment she said it, my heart sank...

Why?

Because I'd been a hypocrite...and I absolutely abhor hypocrisy.

I realized that I'd shut myself off from the possibility of connecting with another human being on a deeper level...

I realized that I'd begun to make other people pay for her actions towards me...

That was something that I'd always said I hated about certain females. How all men were lumped into a certain category and the "Good guys" that came along to show them nothing but love ended up paying for something done in the past.

Now, while I didn't out and out actively go forth and say/do certain things to push people away, I DID bring up the fact that I'd just ended a fairly serious relationship and didn't want to pursue anything concrete...although I still indulged in the "foundation building" aspect...

I guess you could say that I unintentionally led them on...that sucks about me...and I'm willing to admit that...

More after the break...














"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." -Buddha

I'm going to acknowledge how sensitive it was for me to post that last video...but it speaks directly to my situation...

The second reason I'm writing this is because, like the title of the post says...I'm getting it out of my system. This is the last time I will write or speak of her or our relationship on this blog or in any of my other avenues of expression. Why? In short, because I'm over it.

The frustration, the feeling of failure, the betrayal, and (not to sound sensitive but...) the heart break of it all.

Each and every day, I'm watching my dream become a little more real. I'm talking to people about contracts, put together pieces/events, getting a solid foundation together, and building a life for an awesome "Not Quite" two year old that I saw say her ABCs on video yesterday.

I guess I no longer have the time or energy to think about it. I looked up yesterday and realized, "Damn...its been about a month since I thought about it or mentioned it." There was no emotion there though...which let me know I'd processed through it.

I guess there's nothing left to say about it now...

Take it easy ya'll...

--Bleek G.